Just.Shoot.Me

Monday marked the three year anniversary of our adoption paperwork being placed on file in China to be matched with a child.  This does not count the 6+ months we spent putting it all together before that.

When we submitted our paperwork, the wait was only about 12 months.  This mid-April, our adoption agency stated they estimate another 13 months of waiting for us.  THIRTEEN more months.  This pretty much has had me knocked down and unable to get up since then.

Now today, there is a rumor that the CCAA (Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs - who control the whole process) has suspended referring children for 20-30 days while this whole swine flu thing is being monitored.  Remember SARS during our wait for Rose?  

I don't feel like I have a right to complain, as we have always had the opportunity to choose a child with a special need and end the whole waiting game.  It just didn't work out for us that way though.

But the reality is that I DO feel sad, frustrated, angry and depressed and I can't just ignore it.  I've tried that.  It's not working.  Why is it so difficult to give a child a home when they are so wanted?  Why do the children have to keep waiting too?    

And then every 18 months we have to resubmit certain documents along with fees that have only kept increasing each time, when NOTHING has changed.  My fingerprints are still the same.  I've committed no federal crimes.  I haven't miraculously adopted a child another way in the meantime.  Maybe it's just to make sure we are still alive and sane after waiting all this time.

This all seems so senseless and honestly rather heartless right now.  I am hurting.